The Life I Chose to live

     As everyone knows, today is the day we all prepare to welcome year 2020. Even saying that makes me feel my age. While most people are scavenging the liquor stores and planning a big party, I sit here contemplating what it is exactly that I would like to see happen in this coming year. What is it that could make life better, or make it seem more successful? And wouldn't you know, I've hit a stump.     Life is pretty great right now. Nearly everything in my life brings some sort of happiness. Yeah, there are a few things that could change that might make things better. But over all... I am okay with my life. I've realized that there will always be some sort of struggle.. It's how life keeps us on our toes. Nothing will ever be perfect. That's why we have to make sacrifice and choose what battles are worth a fight. We  could always sit here and focus  on the things that we think would make life better, but we would be focusing on that instead of the...

    While everyone else out there is racking their brains and making New Year's resolutions to lose weight or save more money... exc, I've decided to skip past all of that this New Year. I plan to simply take this coming year one day at a time. Every year I watch people waste the entire year working on these goals they set for themselves and forget to take in the little moments that truly make them happy. That won't be me this year. I intend on making the best of every day.     I don't want to be like I have been over the past few years. I don't want to focus so hard on how I want my life to be that I forget to just enjoy how things are right now. In the fall Damian will be starting preschool... I want to enjoy the time I have with him now. He won't be this small forever. And I will never be able to get these moments back. It won't be like this forever.      I think that we all need to take a moment and just enjoy life. Look around you.. realize all ...

     So this year wasn't as great as I had planned. Depression tried to start kicking in early this year. Before Thanksgiving ever hit, I ended up in one of my "end of the world" breakdowns. It wasn't so pretty. But I had the best people by my side that pulled me out of it fairly quick. I was okay by Thanksgiving morning. But that wasn't the last I seen of my depression. It hit even harder come Christmas. I ended up in a whirl wind of emotions on Christmas Eve... but again I was lucky enough to have both Brandi and Joey here to help me pull myself out of it.     While Brandi and the kids are great at reminding me that I have an amazing loving family here at home with me, Joey is always the tough one that pulls me out of bed and makes me busy my mind. But this time it was different. He reminded me that Hell nor high water could take away the love he and our son have for me. It was then that I realized how lucky I truly am.    I may not have my blood f...

      Finally getting around to seeing this guy for the holidays.

   I don't know how she does it, but every time I have any type of doubt in my mind if this is truly going to be my last relationship.. she does something so extraordinarily sweet. These are the messages she sent tonight when she left to pick her stepdad from work. And just as I was having doubt that she is truly happy.      We've been dealing with a lot here lately. And by a lot... I mean a lot of drama. A couple of weeks ago we tried to make a mends with her ex for the sake of the kids. It ended horribly. It went great for about 3 hours and then her ex pulled a bitch card and tried to pity Brandi into coming back. It reached a point that after I had left to go to moms, Brandi went back to pick up Damian and her ex tried to pull her in and attempted to kiss her. But Brandi pushed her away. Every since, we have had at least one disagreement with one of our exs every day since. On that front, it has been a nightmare. But I am still very happy wit...

   Have you ever thought that for just a moment you had completely lucked out? Like maybe it was the luckiest moment of your life? Like you struck gold? And moments later you realize that wasn't gold... it was fools gold. People can be much like fools gold. You think you are holding on to something precious only to find out they are a pretty colored stone.      I've had plenty of those type people come in and out of my life. For a brief moment all seems right in the universe. I feel like I've finally got what I had thought I deserved. And then crash and burn. The world comes to what feels like it's end. Everything is wrong.      Due to being through this type thing with many before, I'm pretty quick to catch a lump of fools gold. What I can't understand is why there are so many dishonest people in today's society. Why so many people play these silly mind games only with the intention to ruin someone elses happiness. Or is it just that t...

   Is it Monday already? Where did the weekend go? It seems like just yesterday it was Friday. I could even ask where this month has gone. Friday the kids will be out for Christmas break. There is only 9 days left before Christmas. Thank god we managed to get all the gift shopping out of the way. It's just hard to believe that we are already so close to a new year. It seems like 2019 was gone in the blink of an eye.    But for now lets focus on this week. With it being the week before Christmas we have a lot of end of the year things to catch up on. Its mostly appointments for the kids. But in reality... what's new about that? Honestly, not much. With 4 kids it a constant go go go. There is always some sort of activity, program, or appointment. Sometimes it gets difficult to keep up with. That's why I have a home planner, a personal planner, and I have 2 rather large dry erase boards for reminders. At one point I had gotten so discombobulated between managing my own...

   Okay, well honestly not a lot has changed. I'm still stuck between busy days and days of laying in bed cuddling with my love. But I'm here to say... you probably won't hear from me at all next week. I have a schedule jam packed full of appointments for the kids and things that need to be done. I'll be surprised if I get any me time in at all. But who needs that anyway? LMAO... That was a joke. I will find time for myself as I always do.    My only hope is that any shit starters or exes choose a different week to start their shit. Next week will not be the time to push my buttons. It seems like they have been on a streak of "how to piss them off next". Brandi's ex is still trying to make herself needed in the kids lives. I'm pretty sure I have managed to piss her off in more than one way in the last week an I will probably achieve it again before the weekend ends. She probably won't be too happy with knowing that she won't be getting Brandi...

    Last night Brandi went to pick up her step dad from work. When she returned, she handed me these 3 new stuffies. I was so excited. She knows I absolutely love stuffies. She also knows that getting me a new stuffie is the quickest way to put me in an amazing mood.    So anyway, the two smaller ones are from her. The bigger pink one is a gift from my father in-law. I guess the occasion called for him getting me a gift too. Last night Brandi was in one of her heart felt moods and informed me that she wants my divorce over and done with. She says the last 3 months with me have made her happier than she has ever been in her life and that she intends on making me her wife.     So yay me! I got new stuffies and a confession of love. Last night turned out to be amazing. I absolutely love this woman. She will stop at nothing to see a smile on my face. And her family absolutely adores me, which makes me happy as well. I finally feel like I have that big lovi...

    Well another day down. They say it takes 30 days to break a bad habit. So day 2 of staying out of bed and getting shit done is a go. I'm awake and actually very chipper. Joey arrived last night  which resulted in another 3 am bedtime, so I should actually be tired. But I'm not.    I actually didn't have any hesitation on getting out of bed to start coffee and breakfast so I can wake everyone else up. Although after seeing everyone sleeping away so peacefully, I think I will hold of on the breakfast bit and get some cleaning done instead. It's probably best that way anyhow since Joey and Brandi suggested we take this warm day and take Damian to the park or even out to the park near the lake to play.     It's going to be another great day my fellow bloggers. I just hate to see the weekend come to an end. It seems like it just began.

    Well yesterday was a complete fail on getting up at a decent hour. I had received a rather irritating phone call from my ex at 3:30 in the morning. He blew two tires avoiding a deer on his way to work. Needless to say I was so irritated that I ended up staying up till 5 in the morning. Which resulted in sleeping till noon.     Brandi tried her best to get me in a good mood for the day. It semi worked. Although I'm sure the people at walmart last night would disagree. Despite being in a better mood, it didn't take much to set me off again. But I did my best to be in a decent mood when she was around me. She tends to think that I am mad at her if I am in a foul mood around her.     But I can say that today has started off much better. I got a decent amount of sleep and woke up in a fairly good mood. I managed to get a cup of coffee in me before my house started filling with the living. and I managed to get all doctors appointments written in my planner....

   Ok.. I'll admit that I haven't been taking care of myself the way I once did. In fact, I've been letting a lot slip for the past few months. But honestly... It's just so hard to push myself to do it when I find so much joy in just lounging around being goofy with Brandi. I easily lose hours and sometimes even days. There are several days that we have laid in bed or cuddled in front of the tv and lost the whole morning. Sometimes it is so bad that we finally glance at the clock and it's nearly time for kids to be home from school.     But this is a bad habit that I really need to break myself of. Today was the first time in weeks that I actually achieved more than just tidying the house and throwing things together. I actually feel accomplished. Don't get me wrong.. I will have plenty more days of wasting the day away with my beloved wife, but I really need to pick a day and catch up on deep cleaning and self care.     So starting t...

   Or at least that's what it seems like here lately.. huh? I know I haven't been on top of my blogging and I've probably left a lot of room for your imagination to kick in. Is she dead? To answer that question, I'm alive and kicking. I've just been really busy. And when I'm not busy, I've spent my time doing things that I would enjoy much more than sitting behind a computer screen typing at a keyboard.     It's been a bit of an emotional roller coaster for me over the last couple of weeks. (As it always is this time of year.) This is the time of year that most people are spending time with their family or shopping for that perfect Christmas present for their beloved. For me, that isn't exactly true. Every year I go through the same depression stage at about this time of year. I miss my family.     Most of the year I am perfectly okay knowing that I am the black sheep of the family and that I pretty well have no one outside of my household. But thi...