The Life I Chose to live

     This is nowhere near how I envisioned my 31st birthday. I didn't think I would start the day off alone. I didn't see it being so chaotic. But most of all I didn't see it being the day I had to leave home to see my grandmother. Looks like a long day for me. Oh well. At least I get to spend part of the day with my family.

     With everything that is going on, I find myself having higher and higher anxiety levels. Especially when I'm left alone with my own thoughts. Last night it was bad enough that I actually smoked a cigarette.. well 3 cigarettes if I'm going to hold myself accountable. I had nightmares all night. I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned most of the night.     Now here I am tonight... packing. It took me 2 hours just to finally put something in the suitcase. I spent more time pulling clothes out and putting them back up than I spent actually putting thing in the suitcase. Now that that is out of the way my chest hurts and I'm not exactly sure how to control the constant regret of agreeing to this. It's been a very long while since I have traveled this far from my home. Nine years to be exact. It's been even longer since I've been on a plane.    I keep trying to fight myself and somehow convince myself that this trip will work out fine and all will be well. But

    Well a thing happened yesterday. I received a frantic phone call from my grandmother yesterday. I don't talk much about her but she was diagnosed with lung cancer 4 years ago. When she was diagnosed, the doctors gave her a year to live. But she well outlived what the doctors believed. Now we are nearing what they truly believe to be the end. It's becoming harder for her to breath without assistance and frankly... she isn't doing well.      That leads me to the next event in my life... Monday I leave for Seattle, Washington. She requested that I come stay a week with her before she goes. So needless to say, this will be fun. Actually, no it won't. That was pure sarcasm. Anyone who knows me at all knows that I suffer from anxiety. That anxiety multiplies by 100 when it involves my family. We don't have the best of relationships.     So wish me luck. This is going to be a long 2 weeks.

     I'm so proud of myself. I got all the financial documents emailed to the mortgage company and managed to get the questions about our home answered and ready for the rep when he calls this week. I also got to just chat with my landlord and her husband for a while.. which oddly enough, I needed.      Talking with them helped me realize that I am not the only person in the world that may want to strangle their mortgage rep. In fact they are dealing with the same thing trying to get their VA loans and an approval on their new home. Luckily my process is a little easier than theirs. But they explained to me that I am not alone in believing this process is nothing more than a migraine.    They also gave me a few pointers on how to expedite the process without giving myself more headache. And they are willing to work with us a bit to help us ensure that we are going to be able to buy the house.. starting with giving us our deposit back when the day comes to buy the house. That alone

    Life has been so hectic lately, I don't even know where to begin. For starters, who knew buying a house was so complicated? The mortgage company I have decided to work with has started asking a million questions about the house. In all fairness, I guess these are things I should know... but don't. But on the up side of everything, once I get all these answers... I will get a much lower deposit and closing cost amount. So I will be meeting with my landlord tonight to get these answers.    As if that were not enough stress, I have two teenage boys that seem completely helpless and oblivious to to the world around them. You would think at nearly 16 and 17 years old you wouldn't have to break down simple task into multistep to do list. When I was their ages I didn't need instruction. I seen something was out of place or dirty and I stepped up to the task. These kids have to have a checklist just to get a basic chore such as cleaning the kitchen completed. And even still

    Don't you hate it when you have an entire day planned out to do absolutely nothing and instead when yo u wake up that morning you have a pile unloaded on you? I hate those days. And unfortunately today is one of those days.    I had planned to spend today lounging on my couch watching netflix. But I guess the universe chose differently. Now instead I get to spend the entire day bouncing between cleaning, paperwork, and rearranging my entire week. The exact opposite of what I had planned. Thankfully I have a little over a month until kids start coming home. But with that being said, I also have one huge birthday party to plan.      If you know anything about me, you know I despise planning parties of any kind. If it weren't for the fact that my kids are still relatively young, I would be perfectly content with cupcakes and their presents and calling it a day. And before anyone goes analyzing that thought, yes it does have a lot to do with my anxiety. I hate big crowds and th

     Well this summer has surprisingly went exactly as I had planned so far. I've managed to get a lot of my Summer to-do list done and the house is coming along pretty well. I still have a few quirks to work out in the girls room but for the most part it is complete. I've also managed to complete both the older boys and the younger boys bedrooms with the exception to a few changes that will be made after Damian's birthday in July.      But then I got some big news that is making me have to make my choices a little more wisely since what changes I make will be permanent. It also added a few things to my to-do list. When my landlord came over the weekend she made us an offer that we simply can not turn down. She wants to sell us the house. The price she is asking is unbeatable. So thank god we have already been preparing for this moment. Our credit scores could still use a little work and of course we have to save for the down payment and the closing cost, but we have until