Anxiety

     With everything that is going on, I find myself having higher and higher anxiety levels. Especially when I'm left alone with my own thoughts. Last night it was bad enough that I actually smoked a cigarette.. well 3 cigarettes if I'm going to hold myself accountable. I had nightmares all night. I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned most of the night.

    Now here I am tonight... packing. It took me 2 hours just to finally put something in the suitcase. I spent more time pulling clothes out and putting them back up than I spent actually putting thing in the suitcase. Now that that is out of the way my chest hurts and I'm not exactly sure how to control the constant regret of agreeing to this. It's been a very long while since I have traveled this far from my home. Nine years to be exact. It's been even longer since I've been on a plane.

   I keep trying to fight myself and somehow convince myself that this trip will work out fine and all will be well. But every time I sit still my brain wants to debate on if I should just unpack my bag, apologize, and cancel the trip. If only it were that easy. Brandi won't let me back out of it because she thinks ill eventually hold resentment towards myself for not seeing my grandmother before she passes.

   Although Brandi may very well be right, something just isn't sitting well for me. I really don't want to take this trip. I'd rather be home focusing on my family here and the things I still need to accomplish before my kids get home. Not to mention the fact that this puts me over 2000 miles away from Brandi and my kids. I've never been more than 100 miles away from my kids at any point in the last 7 years. And in the last 4 years Brandi and I have never been apart for more than 48 hours... this trip will have me away for 9 days.

    I really wish I could just fast forward past the next two weeks.