I miss her

 

   You would think after nearly 9 months I would have found a way to be okay with the fact that my grandma is gone. But somehow just as I think I'm okay she finds a way back into my mind and I want to scream and cry.. I guess I haven't really allowed myself to mourn the way I should. In my defense, I don't really have anyone to sit and talk about her with either. The family we share aren't a part of my life... asides from my auntie Le that is taking it just as hard as I am. 

   I guess that's why I'm here talking about her. To share with the world what an amazing woman she was. 

  Anyone who laid eyes on her could see the obvious. She was beautiful, intelligent, and bold. But what you can't see is that she hid her pain from the world. Her story isn't one from a novel where the princess got the prince and lived happily ever after. Nor is she the scorned woman full of hatred from the life she was dealt. She is the survivor. She met my grandpa in Vietnam when she was just 17 and fell in love. He was an American soldier. They had 2 children.. my mom and my uncle, whom despite her tough love, she loved with all of her heart. I wish I could say she was given the life she deserved but my grandfather was all but faithful and my mom and uncle grew to be spoiled brats that only cared for what she could give them. 

   Even through the pain of the divorce and her children leaving her... she didn't let life destroy her. She put on a smile and found new reason for living. That's when she met my auntie's father and had my aunt. Despite the fact she had every right to be torn, angry, and bitter... she still chose to live and love with all of her heart. Everyone around her would say she was tough and cold, but I seen it for what it truly was. She wanted the best for everyone she cared about. She would push you until you either caved and did what she knew was best or you wanted to die of shame. I know because I had more than my fair share of runs about what was best for me with her. In fact I had avoided her on many occasions because it turned out I was wrong and couldn't bare to face her.

   Even still she would scorn me and open her loving arms to me despite my mistakes. The same as she did over and over again with her own children. She may have came of as "hard" or even sometimes "cruel". But one thing that can never be denied is that she loved and loved with all she had. She may not have been the best at tender love, but you knew she loved you by the way she lived her life.

    She worked her fingers to the bone for 45 years of her life to ensure her family would never want for anything. She gave and gave to  her children even when they did not deserve it. She put my mother through college twice. Put my uncle through college 3 times. Paid for both of them to start their lives over numerous times. And still helped them with rent and basic life needs until they were well into their 40's. My aunt and I were the smart ones. We both took what she gave us and built from it. My aunt is now an optometrist assistant.. she works 2 jobs, raises her son, and somehow always finds a way to further her education in many fields. (Did I mention that she also has a certification as a yoga instructor?) She is buying her condo and still finds time to travel the world. I didn't get so lucky in the education department, but I did get my heart and motivation from my grandma. She taught me to take all of my struggles and turn them into life lessons. She also taught me to love with everything I have and not let life and loss bring me down. I may have also learned how to build something from nothing.. but that isn't quite a bragging point.

   Long story short, My grandma didn't have a great love story or an amazing life. But she worked endlessly to build everything she had. She loved with no regret. She gave and taught so many lessons. And now that she is gone... I miss her more than I ever thought possible. Most of my life I was taught to avoid her. I was told she was evil and manipulative. I was told she would destroy me. I was just lucky enough to see through that in the last 5 years of her life and get to see who she really was. I was lucky to learn what I did from her and feel the love she had tried to show me my whole life.

   The last year of her life I remember thinking "how many times a day does this woman think she has to call me?" and now I would give anything to hear her voice. I would give anything to hear her gripe at me because I need more fertilizer in my tomatoes so they become juicier.. or hear her tell me that I should really plant fruit trees so I can sell what I don't use to make extra money. Or hear her tell me that I should raise ducks and chickens so I can profit from the eggs (everyone uses eggs and you can make good money from fresh eggs.) Now I just live with her voice in my head and somehow it's not enough.