Grief

    Well lovelies,  I am back from my trip. Well I've actually been home for a few days but just couldn't bring myself to post. I had hoped that I would be able to come back and make some amazing post about the time I had gotten to spend with my grandmother and all the memories I would get to cherish for a lifetime,  but life had another plan.

    I did have a wonderful two whole days with my grandmother.  We talked, laughed, and talked some more. She even walked me through how to make a few of her recipes.  Granted those two days were exhausting because she refused to sleep. I guess it was her way of cramming years worth of memories into just two days. 

   On day three, we had to go to the hospital.  She was not doing well and her whole demeanor had changed. I wanted to scream and cry seeing her attached to so many machines,  but somehow I kept it together. On day four she woke me at 3 in the morning to tell me to get everyone to the hospital.  So that is precisely what I did. Then she proceeded to tell me she was ready to go home to Jesus. She told me it would be that day.

   Low and behold the following day, Thursday at 2:30 pm she left this world to meet our maker. It was the hardest thing I have been through this far. I was alone as I watched her draw her last breath. As badly as I wanted to come home that instant,  I had made her promises that I had to keep. 

   She knew our family would fall apart the moment she was laid to rest, so she asked me to be strong for my aunt. So I stayed the remainder of my trip. I pulled myself together and only cried in the privacy of an empty room. I helped my aunt plan the funeral and disperse my grandmother's belongings where she had wanted them to go. I helped cook and clean.. and even persuaded my aunt to get out of the house when I noticed she was drowning in sorrow. 

    I played the strong young woman until I got home. Then it was my turn to grieve.  I've wallowed. I've cried. And honestly I've been a bit selfish.  But, I'm doing what I need to do to be ok. Now I'm focusing on getting back to normal because it's what she would expect.  She was not a woman that believed in slacking. 

    I know somewhere she is watching me with those judgemental eyes demanding that I pull my head out of my ass and just do what we had discussed and get my life back to normal.  So in her memory, it's time I get back on track.  Wish me luck lovelies.. and thank you all for the birthday wishes.