EMDR session 2&3

    It's been a rough few weeks. Dealing with a flood of emotions and constant anxiety is bullshit. I don't think I've went a full day without feeling like someone has taken a seat on my chest and refused to budge. It's gotten to the point that sometimes I have to enter my happy place and simply breath. It definitely hasn't been an easy past few weeks. 

   When I had my therapy sessions, I explained the anxiety and what's changed and happened between each session. So I will start there and explain as I go....

   Allan and Holly started their crap again.. if you're new to my page that means coming up with any excuse they can to not take part in Blake and Olivia's lives. Allan was supposed to take Olivia to get new boots 3 weeks ago, since his dog chewed hers over the summer. Well he never showed to pick her up... his excuse "my phone was messing up and I couldn't reach you". Then they were supposed to pick the kids up for scheduled visitation this past weekend.. That turned into a drama fest. First it was "the dog puked in the car so I'll be late.". Then two hours later it was "I've got a flat tire and no spare." So Brandi and I offered to take the kids to them. But then it turned into "Our roommate has covid and we are all sick." But sure enough Holly showed up at the school for work Monday.

   If you know anything about me, lying is my number one trigger. I can not stand or deal with a liar. This comes from year of continuous lies from those who swore they loved me. My mother, my father, significant others... they've all lied. They have all hurt me badly with their lies. And if you suffer from PTSD like I do, you know that when something triggers you its not just a bad memory.. it hits you as if you are reliving the events in a time loop.

     Well on top of all of that drama and deceit, my ex husband started his shit again. His middle daughter contacted me concerned that her father may need to be admitted to a mental hospital. She said he was delirious. Claiming that his dog stabbed someone and talked the police out of pressing charges. Which this isn't the first time someone has thought he lost his marbles. In fact the thought crossed my mind quite a few times over the last month. Somehow he caught wind that I was willing to sign the papers as his next of kin to have him committed. That led to his old colors showing. The threats, the psychotic episodes, the name calling, and belittling. All the things that led to me leaving him. 

   That in it's self caused a bomb rush of trauma to be relived. It was like someone showing me a slide show of every fight and argument we  had ever had. It was horrific. I tried to keep calm and breath. But inside I felt like I was dying... I felt the fear and anxiety. I wanted so badly to find a corner and hide just like I used to. Instead I did what my therapist has been helping me learn. I found a quiet space.. I focused on something I could control.. I reminded myself that I wasn't in that memory. I was in a safe place.

   The result of all of this was that I've been very irritable and hid A LOT!!! My therapist helped me refocus and strategize for when these memories start having a negative affect on me. Remember that safe place we created? That's what it's for. When memories make me feel unsafe or unwell... I'm supposed to sit in a quiet space and focus on that good memory the "safe place." 

    It's really helped. But when you have as much trauma as I do, boy is it time consuming. I spend most of my day in my safe place. And when I have no choice but to deal, I make sure I have my earbud in so I can block out the sounds in my own head. Yes music is a savior.

    I completely understand now why everyone that has done EMDR says it isn't for everyone. It can be very emotional. If you don't have a general idea of how to handle emotions... you do not need to start EMDR. Even though I have a general idea of what to do when I feel an unwanted emotion, I still struggle with recognizing the emotion and correcting it so that the people I love don't get the brutal snap. 

   Wish me luck as I continue to work through the trauma.