Off day

-

    I know I always preach to everyone else about self care, but turns out I am worlds worst at taking my own advice. When do I ever take time for myself? I don't even take time out of a week to post here anymore.  Hell, it's been so long since I've used my laptop that I had to update it. That is bad.

   I guess I've been focusing on everyone and everything else to keep my mind busy and avoid the inevitable break down. Today I finally sat down and did something for myself and it hit me. All the tears and sorrow... right there in the closet floor. There I sat tears pouring. Brandi finally got me up, but god the emotional torture sucks. Now I wish I could just bottle it all back up.

   Okay, maybe I should give somewhat of a back story to what I've said already. I was cleaning out my closet so I can put up my fall and winter wardrobe. During the cleaning out I found some tikki keychains my mother had sent me from Hawaii... Back when things seemed promising. As I held them in my hand all I could think is "Why couldn't things stay that good?".  Then the tears came, the empty feeling in side, followed by collapsing to the floor.

   Why is she incapable of being the mother I need her to be? I just want a mother that wants to be in my children's lives.. no matter how good or bad things are going. Someone who is there and loves me no matter if I have anything to offer in return. I want that unconditional love that a mother and daughter are supposed to have. Is that really too much to ask for?

   Instead I landed the hand of all hands. It truly feels like she lives just to hurt me. Did I do something to cause her to hate me so much? 

   Today is just an off day for me.. 

Comments

  1. Paula COctober 10, 2021 at 6:55 PM

    It really stinks when your family is messed up. No one understands unless they have the same background. I always wanted love and support from mine but it wasn't ever going to be. It still hurts. I am sorry you are hurting. You didn't do anything to make her hate you.She hates herself. She is the one with the problem not you. Stop blaming yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Stained Glass ButterflyOctober 11, 2021 at 10:23 AM

    I still have moments of tears about my father, who has been gone for over 20 years. Just when I think I am over it, it hits me that it didn't have to be the way it was, and I wonder "what if", and I start crying. It's hard to not take responsibility for it, but relationships take two. You can't make it work with your mother on your own. She needs to try too, or nothing will change. If she doesn't, then it is 100% on her, and NOT ONE BIT your fault.

    ReplyDelete
  3. TiffanyOctober 11, 2021 at 12:25 PM

    Ive been struggling with the same shit with my own mom. It's not your fault how she acts. She is unhappy and feels like she does and takes it out on you just like my mom does. You are worthy of love and being loved. Always here for you to talk to sweetie.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

This week in review

-
   I would be lying if I said this week has been any easier than the ones it followed. It's actually been more hectic than the weeks before. With school being out longer than what was originally foreseen, well it's been a pain in the ass. I'm actually hoping that school decides to tack on a week or two once they do return. This momma needs a break. But if we are being completely honest... I wish they would continue the school year through most of the summer.. or at very least offer summer schooling. I think that would be considered fair since my kids fight me so hard on doing their school work and turning it in on time. Homeschooling is definitely not for the faint of heart. It will drive you insane.     On the plus side of things, we got a midweek visit from Daddy. His load schedule allowed him to come home for 24 hours in between loads. So yay for us. Brandi and I both needed some Daddy time. The kids weren't so happy to see him though. They were all in trouble for g
Read more

In my feelings

-
Image
                                       Okay, so I'll admit that lately the lack of a relationship with my parents has been weighing heavily on me. I look at my kiddos and see all the joy and happiness they bring me and wonder how can any parent not want that with their own flesh and blood... or with any child they lay claim to? My kids are the very reason I live and breath. While yes, there are plenty of times they cause what seems like and incurable migraine, they bring me so many happy moments as well.     I never got the feeling that I made either of my parents happy at any point. My father raised 3 children that were not his and didn't even meet me until I was 12. Then he didn't return until I was 17. Sad to say our moral values didn't align and that relationship was short lived. My mother raised me, mostly, but we never had a connection either. In fact most of my life I felt that I was a mistake and unwanted. That didn't change in my adult life either.        I
Read more

Just popping in

-
Image
    Since quite a few of my followers only knew me by my blog, I've decided to do random pop ins. I wanted to let you all know that I am doing amazing. I've really been enjoying life. Daily visits to the park, and using my extra time to take care of myself. Today was a manicure, shopping, and girl time with my SIL. I'm currently on a trip out of town with the hubby to do some more shopping for myself and little man and a dinner date with my love.
Read more