Recovery

As much as I hate addmitting when something is wrong, I have to admit that I am still not okay. I've been working with my therapist and psychologist in desparate attempt to get back to some sort of normalcy. Long story short, the situation with my mother has caused a major flare up in my PTSD, anxiety, and depression. I had spent months working with my therapist to reach a point where I hadn't needed medication to function somewhat normally. But this has caused a landslide. I am back on medication and I don't feel that they are working the way they should. My therapist has had me working on a thing called ACOA (Adult Child Of an Alcoholic) again. Basically she wants me to realize that I am in no way responsible for my mothers actions and that my mothers (either current or past) addictions are to blame for her piss poor decision making skills. While I wish we were working on this to rekindle my mother and I's relationship and fix those flaws... its not. My therapist fully supports that I learn to accept this as an unfixable relationship and move forward without my mother. Wow... that hurt just as much typing it as it did discussing it with my therapist. No one really wants to move forward in life without their mother. But in order to live a loving and peaceful life... I have to. It's like saying my mother is dead but she is very much alive. How does one do that? I'm trying my hardest to morn the death of the mother I once had. The woman who years and years ago would wake me up for school, teach me crafts, teach me life lessons, and attend church with me. Even though that womans body is being occupied... she has been long gone for many years. That is the hard part.. I have to realize that the woman that once loved me so much is truly gone. I will never get her back. But I am learning life lessons from this situation. I know exactly what kind of mother I don't want to be. I know I don't want to be the reason for such tears to ever be in my childrens eyes. I know that I don't want my kids to ever feel alone. I know that I don't want to be the mother that causes their children pain, regret, or disappointment. I want to be everything that my mother hasn't been for me. I want them to know just how much I love them and that I would give my life to protect them. I want them to know when I am proud of them. I want to be the one 100% in their lives. The one person that they know they can turn to for help and advice whenever they need it. I want them to know that (if god be willing to give me so much time) when they are 50 they can still come to me with their problems and I will be here. I want to be better for them than what my mother was for me. I'm still trying to think possitively about what is going on but it's hard as hell to take this as a life lesson instead of wollowing in self pity. But how can it not be hard? My mother was my last shot at not being alone in this world (biologically). Of course I have brothers, a grandmother, aunts, uncles, and cousins... but no one that I am actually close to. My mother has fucked up so much in her life that most of them look at me an see the physical resemblances and immidiately assume I am just like her so they have built a wall between themselves and me. So we don't talk. So I have been forced to build my own family and support system. And as much as I love the people I have that create the family I have built... It's not the same. It doesn't replace being able to call my mother or brothers because I have hit a low and just need the comfort of knowing I have a mom to call, or a brother to rant to. I keep trying to practice self care and self love.. Many times I've gotten all dressed up, nice new dress, make up on, hair done.. then I look in the mirror and see what a masterpeice I've created out of myself. I go to post a picture and boast about rebuilding and how beautiful it can be... but then I stop. Not because I didn't feel beautiful, but because the process of rebuilding myself isn't complete. I don't feel complete. I don't feel okay. Of course I'm putting on a brave face and acting like I'm okay. I have to. I have children that are dependant on me being okay. But I'm not. No matter how hard I try to move forward.. I still feel like a hole is rotting away inside me. I want to cry and lay in bed. I want to ignore life and pretend I have nothing worth my effort. I want to wollow. But part of adulting and being a mom is never giving up. I have to keep going for my own children. I have to be strong for them. Luckily I have and amazing self built family that helps me get through each day.. one baby step at a time. Both Brandi and Joey have been so helpful through all of this. Both have stood by me as support. And for that I am so grateful. I'm blessed to have them both. They both support me in different ways, but maybe that is exactly what I need.